thoughts after some time

probably no one reads this anymore, so i'm going to process here...

It's been an entire semester since summer and PNG. That experience brought up a lot of questions I didn't have answers to, questions about doctrine, and questions about myself and what I was capable of. In my head I know "it's not about what I can do, but what God can do in and through me and about his power and plan in the world"... but it's a different thing to really believe that and live believing it. Doctrinally questions I have are mainly about salvation and baptism. Because to think about teaching someone something, or being married to someone who's teaching something, I have to know what I believe and why, and be able to back it up biblically.

I began the semester feeling so unable to cope with these questions that I kind of rebelled against thinking about them, and about the possibility of missionwork in my future. In numbing myself to pursuing these things and inadvertently numbed myself to God's spirit to a degree. I repent of that sin. Wherever he leads me, I trust that he will hold and protect me. He will give wisdom, strength, peace. I am still struggling to believe this completely, but choosing to trust, knowing that he will catch me as I step out into the dark. I have feared the future, feared being alone in it, not knowing. I have seen God bring people face to face with their fears. It is always a blessing, a refining process that comes with pain. But glory after, and sometimes during, the pain.

I just want to be with Him, whatever that will mean, wherever it will lead.

Final

This is going to be a final blog on the summer and also a brainstorming outlet for my final report to be sent out to my reporters.
It was extremely weird to come back to the states. It’s been really good to be home. It took a while, like a week, to get over jet lag. I’m not close to having finished processing everything, but I can at least attempt to report the progress so far.
I see two categories of what to say in the report letter. One is an overview of what we did on the internship; I’ll skip that here since this blog already covers that. The other is what I took from the experience, what I learned. Like I said, I’m sure I will continue to discover and learn lesson from my summer in PNG as time goes on, but this is what I can come up with for now:
I learned about missionwork, as done by the Alotau team, on a practical level. I now know enough to know what questions to ask other missionaries and what goes into it on a logistical level and I have a better idea of what goes into missionwork on a mental/emotional/spiritual level. From to missionary families themselves I learned gentleness as I’ve never known it before. I learned a lot about parenting, and the roles of the man and wife in a family, applicable to being on a foreign mission field or not. I saw that wherever I end up, on a foreign mission field or not, if I’m going to be married, my first ministry and responsibility will be to my family. By having to work with the other interns, planning, communicating and just being around each other ALL the time, I learned a lot about giving and accepting grace, teamwork skills, how to respectfully disagree and compromise, etc.
I learned a lot about myself this summer. It was very humbling. I have no idea if the other interns read this blog, but if you do: Thank you for putting up with me and loving me through everything. I appreciate and respect and love each of you… I was brought face to face with my selfishness and weakness and insecurities. It is clear to me that I have a lot of learning and growing to do before I could be a missionary. I need to have more biblical knowledge and a firmer grip on doctrinal truths before thinking about being able to teach anybody else. In my weakness and insufficiency, I saw God’s power and goodness and strength in such a greater more beautiful way.
One of the biggest things God taught me while I was in PNG was to have an active hope of my true home in heaven, something I’ve hardly thought about before. He showed me the verses “Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven” (Matt ?), “Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life,” (Mat. 19:29), and “whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven” (Matt. 18:18).
I hoped to come away from this summer knowing for sure whether I would do longterm missionwork or not. I do not have a yes or no answer, but the answer I do have is that it’s ok not to know and it’s good to have to trust God. Whatever occupation or place in life, every christian’s primary goal should be to seek God and know him better and to please and Glorify Him. This is what I will do, and trust God for each next step.

last post in png!

Tomorrow we fly away from PNG, but not to home yet. We will be a week in Australia first. The last two weeks have flown by.

Last week Tuesday morning through Thursday afternoon was the youth camp. It was out at Opalai, a village about an hour away. They have a big house with several small rooms that all the campers and interns stayed in. We had 43 campers, with a good mix of church kids and non-church members. Marcus taught 2 out of the 4 big “lessons” and Logan and Leslie Williams each took one. After each lesson, the campers divided into their groups and each of us led “group discussion” which in this culture basically means the leader talking because they’re so shy. I had the oldest girl group, and they did talk a little bit. None of the missionaries stayed there overnight so we were basically in charge. We had some organized games and team building activities, and lots of soccer and volleyball in-between scheduled activities. Overall it was a good time. After the last session we had a time for them to ask questions individually to the group leaders. One of my girls, Jacinta, asked me “how many times do you have to be baptized?” We talked for nearly half an hour…I’m leaving out so much about youth camp but that will have to do, for my sake and yours.

Friday we did some souvenir shopping and that night had dinner at the Reeses. They told us story after story about their time at Harding (they were there 8 or 9 years ago I think). Diane told hilarious stories. The best one is that at their wedding, instead of kissing at the end, they gave each other a high five!

This week has been our “dis-orientation” week. Tuesday we hiked several hours up a mountain to a point on the ridge that the Allies used as a look-out point for all of Milne Bay in WWII. Then we hiked back down to a gorgeous waterfall. Coming down it was very steep and very muddy and we had jam our walking sticks into the ground for every step and even so we were slipping the whole way. Our guide, Wesley, was a man from Gama village. He got lost a couple times and by the time we got back to the main river we were all exhausted. The rest of the hike was down the river over huge boulders and slippery rocks. I kept thinking of how much my brother would have loved it. That night Gama church had a goodbye dinner for us.

Wednesday we went out to an Island, a couple hours from Alotau. Leslie, Tate and Thomas fished most of the time, but the interns stayed on the island and played on the beach. There was several islands in view from our beach and it was absolutely amazing. We came back Thursday night to delicious Mexican food Loopie made, icecream, and hot showers.

It’s so bizarre that we’re leaving tomorrow!

Prayer requests: Safety and harmony in Australia.

Rachel and I flew to Kiriwina island of the Trobriand Islands on Monday, where Luke, Daniel, Bekah and Marcus Reese and 4 local women from Alotau had been for 3 days already. Lots of prayer and mental/spiritual preparation went into this trip because of the difficulties of the village stay. It was the same kind of village setting, with grass huts and village food and an outhouse with only a hole in the ground to squat over. The experience, however, was completely different than the village stay. First of all, we were all together, and we had a purpose for being there and activities to accomplish that purpose. I was not sick. Also, the atmosphere was MUCH more relaxed and we had our own space. Three small houses were completely cleared out of for us to use. With the exception of fat, hand sized spiders with red eyes in the latrine, I rather enjoyed the week there.

Our “plan” was to have two nights of “cultural exchange” and then invite the attendees back to 3 nights of bible studies. That was to be in the evenings, and then we would be doing survey type work during the day. No one showed up to the cultural exchange the first night so we had readjust our plan. Basically there was no plan and Marcus did as many Bible studies as he could muster up and we were on our own to plan the surveying. Our main “survey” project was to walk 2 hours to the only “town” on the island which is only a few government building, a clinic, and 3 canteen type stores. Kiriwina is small and FLAT. I hyper extended my right knee over the 4 hours of walking (I blame my shoes) so I couldn’t walk very well the next few days. I felt good about the information we gathered that day. The rest of the time we did a couple more interviews, swam in a lovely, cool fresh water cave (about 30-40 feet in diameter, and I’d guess about 15 feet deep), and observed Marcus doing bible studies. It was wonderful getting to know the 4 PNG women that came with us from Alotau. The last full day there we met with the high chief of the island. Walking everywhere on the island kids would shout out “dim-dim” which means white skin, and follow us, grabbing our hands and stroking our arms. People told us that the Trobriand people would be more bold, and they weren’t kidding.

Please keep praying for our group, I think people are getting ancy knowing we only have 2 weeks left. I really am so grateful for how are group has bonded. God has answered prayers beyond my expectations… The time has flown by!

glory

Two Mondays ago I was beginning my village stay after a trip to the hospital for some antibiotics which Diane advised me getting. Since I was still not feeling well, the village stay was a hard time. Rachel and I stayed in the same village and the other 3 were in a different village so we didn’t see them until it was over. Even though it’s only a 15 minute drive out of town, village life is like stepping into another world. They live in grass huts on stilts, and sit around most of the day not doing much, and are all together as a community family. Their “parenting” is rough and harsh and it was hard to be around. We learned to weave fans, make a “broom” scrape coconut, peel taro and yams and kau-kau (all of which taste similar and are dry, tasteless starchy vegetables), saw a man making a Taro-leaf roof, and another man’s canoe half-carved, hiked up to their gardens which they plant on the side of the mountain, hiked a long ways out to a WWII memorial, had baths in the river (with an audience of a few women and a dozen kids), played with the kids and visited with the adults as best as possible. It might have been enjoyable had I felt well, but I was very relieved to get back to the Williams on Wednesday afternoon. I was overwhelmed by just the sheer differentness of everything and the strain of effort to function and communicate and not show our hosts how tired and sick I was feeling. All this made me even more homesick than I’d already been feeling, and I had a good cry when it was over… girls have to do that sometimes.

The group was scheduled to leave Friday morning for our trip to the Trobriand islands. Diane suggestested the option of Rachel and I staying until the next flight on Monday, and after much prayer and inner debate I decided that would be wise. Those few days of rest were such an energizing, encouraging gift of a time! The Lord is faithful to provide strength for the weak, and joy for the sorrowful. He is so good and it has been such a delight to seek and know him, and just be with him. I’m learning that that is and must be my primary goal above all else. And when it is there is no fear of failure! I am also learning the hope of heaven, when all strivings will cease and we will be Home.

The weekend was by no means empty or boring. On Saturday, Rachel and I had a tea party with the 3 Reese girls, and the William’s 4 year old, Bailey. Diane needed the afternoon off, and we were thrilled to do it. I also taught Sunday school for the youth since no one else was scheduled to do it. That was a blessing because it was open to whatever I wanted to do, and through teaching it, God taught me in a clearer stronger way what he was already teaching me, that being to seek him and delight in him, and then other things follow. I used psalm 27.

I had been overwhelmed with tiredness and homesickness and culture shock and physical sickness, but in that God showed me Himself in such a glorious way that would not have been possible without the difficulty driving me to collapse at his feet. I am knowing and loving my Lord, and enjoying His love, as never before. I am so thankful that I have real pain in my past so that I already knew what turning to God for healing meant before this trip. Thank you for your prayers! I think this is long enough that I’ll have to wait and write a separate update for this past week.

sick

I had planned to update again today (Saturday) with plenty to tell. However, I’ve pretty much just been a bump on a log this week, having come down with either a stomach virus or malaria (Loopie thinks it’s malaria, and I’m on malaria medicine, but Leslie doesn’t think that’s what it is) on Tuesday (along with the rest of the household except Bekah) and staying pretty sick through Wednesday night. It’s been up and down since then. I always get to the point of feeling enough better that I think I can do something normal like eat a regular meal or go out on an errand, and end up overdoing it. Friday night we all felt pretty well except Luke, and enjoyed the bi-weekly dinner at Masurina Hotel. They had broccoli! I was so excited. Diane told us that one rare occasion when broccoli was available, she splurged and bought a bush (a head? A bundle?) of it for 21 kina (which comes out to be 7 U.S. dollars). When her second daughter Hadassah was born here in Alotau, the hospital fee was only 20 kina. :o)

I forgot to mention before our interview with the SIL bible translators. They have been here 15 years working on the same language translation. I forget how much of the bible they’ve finished so far. I loved listening to them. They talked about the power of prayer like I haven’t heard anyone do in a while… It was refreshing.

Friday morning we ran errands and then I wasn’t feeling well so I napped in the afternoon. The others went out recruiting for our youth camp coming up very quickly after our time in the Trobriand Islands on a survey/evangelistic one week trip (we leave the 29^th and get back July 6^th). When I look at the calendar for the rest of the time here, I think the time will fly by with all the things we have planned.

Today is Saturday, and therefore another free day. Rachel and I felt pretty bad again this morning, so we stayed home while everyone else went to the beach to snorkel and have a “glass-bottom boat” ride. I’m relatively occupied with the Anne of Green Gables series. Rachel and I are both feeling pretty useless and homesick at this point. The morale of the motley crew is under siege. We appreciate your prayers and love.

This coming up Monday-Wednesday is our village-stay. Please pray that we will all be over our sickness for that.

almost 3 weeks!

Some things I could not express yet in my last update are becoming more clear in my heart and mind. Some of those include: awareness of my great selfishness, need for grace to give grace to others, learning to really respect people I don’t necessarily agree with in every way, etc. God is teaching me a lot.

I wish I could just transcribe my conversation with Diane Reese from 2 days ago. God spoke straight to my spirit through her, to my struggles and worries and hopes. I asked her the same questions I asked Jeri, and she had very different answers because she’s very different and because she’s been here a lot longer. I’m beginning to see through things she said and through being here how true it is that this world is not our home, that our purpose here isn’t to be comfortable, how real God’s truth and strength and power must become in your life when you’re NOT comfortable. There’s struggle and pain and frustration and disillusionment. But transcending all that, there is the Lord in his glory and goodness, giving everything we need, giving joy and blessing and fullness of life in him. My heart is so full today!

So much has happened, I can’t recount it all to you, but I’ll try to give a few highlights. Things are certainly busier now. Saturdays are our “day of rest”. Today was very restful, but last Saturday we had a fun, tiring day snorkeling and hiking through the jungle. A PNG man from the village nearby led us up to some “skullcaves” which is just what it sounds like: caves with dozens of skulls of victims of cannibals. Our guide assured us though that they were not skulls of his people, but skulls of people his people had eaten. (Cannibalism is no longer in practice, so no worries).

Two big things this past week have been the female youth bible study on Monday. I’m not sure how well we’re communicating, but I think it went well. I know that at least one of the girls, Jacinta, is not a Christian. We invited the Sunday school class and their friends. About 12 came, which is more than expected. Rachel and I shared the teaching about equally, which went smoothly (praise God!). We drove some girls home and on the way one asked us “If you sin one day and God forgives you, and then you sin again the next day, will he forgive you again?” It just blew me away to be able to explain God’s grace and forgiveness, and the gospel basically, to someone who wasn’t familiar with the concept already!

The second major event of the week would be giving a presentation to the town high school on American culture and as much of our Christian viewpoint as we wanted. They don’t have the trouble with Church and State being mixed like the U.S. does. About 400 students were there, and 3 of us sat on stage and answered some prepared questions Marcus asked, and then students came up and asked questions. Afterwords they flocked around us for almost an hour asking more questions and getting our address to be “pen-friends”. Our main purpose for doing that was to invite them to the youth camp we’re doing later this summer, and also to make contacts and hopefully correct misconceptions about America. The people here generally have the attitude that white people are better, because we’re seen as richer and better educated. I don’t like it, and I try to take every opportunity to praise them and their culture and to ask questions and learn from them.

prayer requests: intern relationships (they're ok, but that they will be filled with grace and wisdom and stay healthy and have good communication), that when we go to the Trobriand Islands the elections will be done, the youth camp coming up, health of missionaries and interns (several people have been sick lately), our girls bibly study. Thank you so so much!